THE INVISIBLE HANDJOB YOU SEE FRIENDS, IT'S LIKE THIS... All wealth is a transient illusion. Property itself is a matter of opinion and wishful thinking, made concrete only through the application of brute force. Whenever some junior Hayek tries to throw John Locke's "fundamental rights of private ownership" at you, just bring up the Native Americans and watch them shut their silly mouths in a hurry. It's all a smoke-screen. The billionaires screaming "Deregulate! Privatize! Leave us alone!!!" are really saying "SHUT UP AND TAKE IT, BITCHES!" Just think... how can anyone legitimately take sole and private claim to the airwaves, or the trees of an entire forest, or all the oil beneath a nation's feet? These things are parsed out to the wealthy for exploitation by their avatars in government, which has gone from being the small-d democratic check on mercantile overzealousness to being the entertainment wing of industry. In the global scheme of things, if you're wealthy, it is far more likely that you are LUCKY than meritous. Crony capitalism at its best. Enronomics. "It's all in who you know" has never been truer than it is right now. And Preznit Dubya has swum in that medium since the day he was born with a silver coke spoon up his snoot. *** **** *** TELEVISION: DRUG OF A NATION What if Sesame Street had been created by NatLamp/SNL guru Michael O'Donoghue, Canadian gonzo goofball Tom Green and cult-leading murder junkie Charles Manson? The results would probably be a lot like MTV2's mock kids' show Wonder Showzen, a program of twisted, psychotic genius that lasted two short seasons before Viacom's head honchos realized exactly what it was they were transmitting over the nation's airwaves (I know it's cable, don't write). Check out this preview for a taste of what the second season was like. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 13 On this day in 323 BC, debauched bisexual conqueror Alexander the Great dies of AIDS or something in Babylon. On this day in 1955, a single Mercedes racing car kills 83 spectators and the driver -- Pierre Levegh -- during the 24 hour Le Mans race, in France. It is the single worst disaster in the history of race car driving, and causes Mercedes to quit racing their vehicles for thirty years. If you can read Italian, here's an excellent website about it. On this day in the year 1981, television host Tom Snyder interviews Charles Manson on his late-night program, Tomorrow. Viewers have a hard time deciding which wildly gesticulating loon looks more deranged. On this day in the year 1983, America’s Pioneer 10 space probe reaches the outermost boundaries of our Solar System and slips into the inky black nothingness of interstellar space. Yer old pal Jerky finds it strangely comforting that -- even after the last, toxin-riddled member of our suicidal species gurgles its final, pain-wracked breath -- these hunks of metal we’ve sent hurtling through the cosmos will still be carving a path through the void, blinking eternally, intergalactic proof that, yes, WE ONCE WERE! On this day in 1986, the sky above Los Angeles darkens and every songbird goes silent for six hundred and sixty-six seconds when Olsen Twins are born. On this day in 2005, a California jury finds faded pop phenom Michael Jackson "not guilty" of ten charges stemming from allegations that he molested a 13-year-old cancer patient two years ago. When asked how he was going to celebrate, a jubilant Jacko squealed: "I'm going to Disneyland! And then, after picking up a vanload of hot dates, I'm going to Neverland!" Meanwhile, in Phnom Penh, Gary Glitter sits in the sweltering heat, shaking his head in disbelief.

THEY SAID IT! "Where are you from?” . . . Where are you from?" - John Bolton -- America's shameful embarrassment of a United Nations ambassador and poster-boy for the abolition of recess appointments -- makes an ass of himself before being booed and jeered off the stage after fielding a handful of questions from an increasingly (and understandably) hostile audience of students at Oxford University. *** **** *** "Electronic voting machines are under attack. . . . The arguments against the machines include these: they're vulnerable to software tampering, they don't keep an easily recountable printed record, and they may miscount, switch or not record votes at all. Other than that, they're great. Defenders of these machines say that most of the problems occur because of hasty setup or poor training of poll workers. What's the message there, that it's OK as long as it's one of those two reasons?" - CNN's crumudgeonly Jack Cafferty joins fellow old-school conservative and network-mate Lou Dobbs in sounding the alarm on electronic voting machines. Welcome to my nightmare, guys! Better six years and three stolen elections late than never!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Willie Mims! Q: How can you tell you're at a gay picnic? A: The hotdogs all taste like shit. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke. Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love you, Jill" He stumbles to the kitchen, and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" Jack's son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!" Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me." His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'" So, to recap: Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot breakfast - $4.20 Red rose bud - $3.00 Two aspirins - $0.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred him to another city. Morris was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Morris had the smallest penis he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctor asked. "Not at all" Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime." "What about at night?" the doctor asked. "Nights are no problem," Morris said, "because at night, there are two of us looking for it."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: KING KONG'S DONG - A TREATISE care of: SSG Tucker So... I was watching King Kong the other day, and Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) is certainly an attractive young lady. My mind, though, twisted as it is, wandered off to toy with the idea of Kong and Darrow getting it on. To tell the truth, though, I originally wondered about it with Jessica Lange from the '70's version. I much prefer the modern King Kong, but to my fevered teenage brain, Ms. Lange had a certain je ne sais slut thing going on. I wondered just how big old Kong's dong would be. As it turns out, apes are sometimes attracted to humans. "What I would interpret as cross-species sexual attraction does happen," says Barbara J. King, a biological anthropologist and professor at The College of William and Mary. She studies the social communication of great apes and once had the chance to introduce her college dean to one of the animals in her lab. "The female of the gorilla group was very attracted to him, she pursed her lips and pushed small gifts through the cage at him," she says. "She clearly knew that he was the only male in the group, and she fixated on him." Had they closed the deal, however, our flirty ape girl would likely have been in for a big surprise. According to Wikipedia, an adult gorilla's erect penis is about 1.5 inches in length. According to Berg Gorilla, a website dedicated to the critters, a standing upright, gorilla male can reach 1.7 m on average. In the movie, Carl Denham (Jack Black) states that King Kong is 25 feet tall. If a 1.7 meter/66.929 inch gorilla has a 1 1/2 inch pecker, then a 25 foot/300 inch gorilla would have a 6.7 inch wang. It's a simple question of ratios. Mighty Kong, Eighth Wonder of the World, champion box office T. Rex killer, ain't got quite 7 inches. "King Kong ain't got shit on me!" - SSG Tucker [You've given this waaay too much thought. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! But Jerky, what about the amazing hypocrisy of those Thai bastards?!?! I think you should rethink this. Sure, I understand bending your knee to the kind people who wrote you. An apology is fine, but NEVER REMOVE THE PIECE! You made a mistake that doesn't need to be repeated, but there was a real fanaticism in the criticism of you. The King is what he is regardless of who you are or aren't, but your text is YOURS, just as much as the King's virtue is his. It seems to me that the fanaticism you have faced is largely the redirected shame and malice of a largely infantilized populace. One should not underestimate the value of free speech nor the intellectual infidelity of those who prefer the authority of the voice of others (a so-called "KING") to that of their own. That's just my opinion. Signed, Lips [Yeah, well, like I said, there were extenuating circumstances. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Your explanation for pulling the Thai piece was mildly disjointed, as if you only believed in part of it. You toss out 1) pressure from your colleagues, 2) concern for your colleagues, 3) the torrent of Thai mail, 4) some guilt at your own glee in bashing them, 5) some genuine good will, 6) a bizarre (for Jerky) argument, ad captandum vulgus, suggesting that assholes prevailing is okay in the large scheme of things, and 7) a cop-out at the putative expense of the editorial’s level of humor. I have no difficulties with your pulling it, any more than I had with many papers deciding not to enrage their local Islamists by way of showing the offending Danish cartoons. I’m just not convinced, from your funny op-ed piece yesterday, that you know why you pulled it. ACD [Well, all those elements factored into the final equation. Some of my colleagues were displeased, and I was concerned for them, and I did eventually feel a little guilty over how I made some good people feel bad without any worthy justification. And it's not that I like the fact that assholes occasionally prevail, but I think it's manifestly true that they do. Anyhoo, thanks for understanding. - Jerky] *** **** *** Smart gutsy move! Discretion is the better part of valor. What you did took a lot of guts and courage. Hats off , buddy! Mark [You're mocking me now, aren't you? - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Who the hell needs to follow the laws passed by Congress when there is so much money to be made? And when does this nightmare end? YOP, Bob [I can answer neither question for you. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Get ready to duck and cover. Cheers, YOPMICK [Dude, they've been conducting SECRET, WARRANTLESS searches for years now. No-knock would be a step forward for these assholes. - Jerky] *** **** *** MopJ, That Bilderberger list, if real, is pretty scary. Another of my former fave conspiracy theories that's much worse in reality than in tongue-in-cheek tinfoil hattery. Just a cursory glance reveals: Ahmad Chalabi (that guy is still welcome anywhere? any club that would have him as a member is highly suspect); Henry Kissinger (see previous comment); a ThyssenKrupp representative (don't know who he is, but I know Thyssen's history); Richard "Prince of Darkness" Perle (neo-con emeritus and gung-ho PNAC member); reps from Microsoft, Goldman-Sachs, Shell, WSJ, Daimler, State Dept, J.P. Morgan and so on... if I can keep it slack at work I'll try to sift through the sea of disinfo for some dirt on the more obscure names... I used to get the impression that Bilderberg was a sort of circle-jerk for ultra-powerful men, but now it seems like it's more like an unwholesome mix of bukkake session and globalized game of 'keep away' - ABC [I have no possible idea what that could mean, but you're probably right. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I can't even imagine how disappointing it will be for Gays if the Prez really is gay. Aside from the crushing depression gays will feel if one of theirs made it but he's so far in the closet you couldn't find him with infrared imaging, What about the makeup of all of these fundy groups he is joined at the hips with? Are they also full of closeted pedophilic sperm gurglers as well? Starts a whole new wierd line of thinking don't it. Also , where did he get it? Was his chocolate whizway fetish started on his daddies lap? Too many unanswered questions like, Why the hell did anybody close to the Preznit hire a guy named "Scooter" and was Plamegate a setup to get rid of him before he went to the press crying because they made him join the oval-office daisy chain and give Rove a Blumpy. I wonder!!!! Mixer [The answer to your "closeted pedophilic sperm gurglers" question is an emphatic YES. - Jerky]

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