A VERITABLE POTPOURRI OF FILTH! NIGHTMARES DO COME TRUE... Remember when you were young and you used to believe in silly things like Santa Claus, or that your grandparents were in heaven, or that if you died in a dream, you would die in real life? You were so silly back then, weren't you? Heheheh… well you can stop yer chuckling, fat-boy, because Australian researcher George Christos believes he may have stumbled across an explanation for SIDS, aka Sudden Infant Death Syndrom, aka Crib Death, aka the punchline to the following joke: "What's two feet long, stiff, purple, and makes a woman scream?" Basically, the good doctor thinks unfortunate toddlers may be dreaming themselves to death. Literally. A mathematician by trade, Christos was studying memory and dreams in neural network models when he hit upon his controversial theory. "We dream about our own set of memories and a little baby is likely to dream of being back in the womb," Christos says. "The reason we can't find the medical cause of death is because it's in the mind of the infant." Wow. I don't mind telling y'all the very idea of this just blows yer old pal Jerky's fuckin' mind. But I digress. It was while studying dreams a few years ago that Dr. Christos discovered dreamers often try to act out their dreams. [Of course! Who among us hasn't reached out and tried to strangle our partner in the night? Hello? Anyone? - Jerky] As previously stated, newborns are most likely to dream that they are back in the comfy confines of their mother's womb, which they have only recently departed after an extended, mostly pleasurable stay. Unfortunately, in the womb, mom does all the breathing through the umbilical cord. So baby stops breathing, slips into unconsciousness, and suffocates. And thus another kind of nightmare is born. Those of you who are interested in learning more about Dr. Christos' theories should pick up a copy of his new book, Memory and Dreams: The Creative Human Mind. And here's a tip for all you parents: It has been clinically proven that allowing your baby to sleep with a pacifier dramatically reduces the incidence of SIDS. *** **** *** ...and speaking of interesting developments made by Australian mad scientists in the cognitive sciences, check out THIS insane story about a machine that is described as "a Danish-made transcranial magnetic stimulator," which is just a fancy word for an Instant Genius Machine. The author of the article, himself, straps in for a whirl in Dr. Allan Snyder's machine, and is mightily impressed by the results. With just a few barely-painful jolts to the frontal lobe, he went from drawing a shitty-looking cat to drawing a pretty reasonable-looking cat. Consider the implications!!! CONSUMER ALERT!!! According to a report in London's Evening Standard, ink for computer printers is "seven times more expensive than vintage champagne." According to the report, ink for a typical replacement cartridge costs about three dollars per ml, while Dom Perignon costs less than half a buck for the same volume. The report also revealed that the indicators on many cartridges indicate that they're empty, even though there's actually still quite a bit of ink left in them. It's so bad in some cases, they write that: "ignoring the warnings can nearly double the printing output." Yer old pal Jerky seems to remember a time about two or three years ago when the big boys on the 'home computer printing' block - your Canon, your Epson, your HP - were basically giving away their hardware. I guess now that most folks already have color printers, all those managers, vice-presidents, accountants and CEOs have to keep up the payments on their luxury SUVs one way or another! Ya gotta love those crazy Japanese! During a televised debate about the pressing problem of Japan's disastrously low birthrate, former cabinet minister Seiichi Ota described men who partake in gang rapes - the latest craze to hit the fad-obsessed island - as being "fine" and "vigorous" and "close to normal." When asked if he was being facetious, Ota dug deeper by elaborating: "Those who gang rape are fine as they are in good spirits!" After the debate, the wrath of his fellow politicians fell upon Ota like the tsunamis that continue to pound Japan's foundations into sand. On orders from the highest office of the land - Prime Minister Tajiri or whatever the fuck his name is - Ota was forced to apologize for his comments, and declare his belief that gang rape is "a serious crime," and that "it must be punished severely." This is just another case of political correctness run amok, I tells ya! Wanna get a quick impression of the kind of uphill battle we're facing in the years to come? Think of it this way… can you name the nine Justices currently sitting on the Supreme Court of the United States of America? Odds are, if you're a regular Daily Dirt reader, you can probably name at least a few. Well, in a survey conducted by Findlaw.com (a nation-wide survey of 1000 randomly selected adults), it was discovered that 65% of Americans could not name a single Supreme Court Justice, and less than ONE FUCKING PERCENT were able to name all nine. Think about it. When it comes to knowing what's going on in your country today, YOU and I constitute an overeducated elite. Is that a scary fuckin' thought, or what?! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 4 On this day in 1966, after making sure to destroy all the documents linking him to President Kennedy's assasination, President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Freedom of Information Act. On this day in 1826, second American President John Adams and third American President Thomas Jefferson both pass on to that big White House in the sky. Exactly five years later, in the year 1831, fifth American President James Monroe also dies. Timing your death to coincide with the fourth of July? Talk about PATRIOTISM!!! On this day in 1054, in a corner of the dark night sky, there is a bright white flowering. It shines for 23 days. The people of that era have no way to know that it is their privilege to be watching that rarest of cosmic spectacles: a star in its death throes… a super-nova that happened 6000 years prior to its being witnessed by human eyes. Today, the resulting cloud of post-collapse debris is known as the Crab Nebula. On this day in 1888 - in the hot and dusty burg of Prescott, Arizona - the first ever organized rodeo competition is held. Unfortunately, videotape didn't exist at the time, so today we can only experience Billy-Joe Tuller's horrific, 15 minute goring upon the horns of the Brahmin bull Sir Stomps-a-Lot solely via eye-witness accounts. On this day in 1988, the United States navy shoots down an Iran Air jetliner over the Persian Gulf, killing all 290 (civilian) people on board. Oops!

THEY SAID IT! "I'm kinda worried about the country right now. I see us turning into a nation of sheep that's being led down this path by the media. Television. We're so culturally locked into watching this box, we've no idea that it's telling us what to do, how to think, what to buy, what to wear, who to love and who to hate. Everything about our lives is subject to manipulation, and the most powerful tool being used is fear." - Geoff Tate, lead singer for pomp-rock practitioners extraordinaire, Queensryche, talks about the grim inspiration for their latest concept album, Tribe. *** *** *** "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso, who was a living legend until the day he died, at which point he became just a legend.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal William Rogers... "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" She proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave Butler for sending in today's second joke. My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. So the lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Fred Durst sent in this shitty joke (as well as the pre-and-post-fixed commentary). Ok...I made this up myself, if it sucks, its my fault, if its cool, then you can say you heard it from me first.... here goes A farmer is sitting home one day when he hears a knock on the door. He answers the door and sees a local sheriff standing outside. The sheriff says to the man.. "we found a cigarette in some goat shit out in your field...did you know know that dropping your cigarette butts is littering and punishable by a 75$ fine. "You must have the wrong man sir, I don't smoke cigarettes, there is no possibilty it could be mine" The sheriff replies.. "Sir we found your dna on the cigarette butt" "NO SIR..There is no way it could be mine" "Well sir, we never accused you of smoking, we were just wondering why there was a cigarette butt, and a wad of cum in the shit of your goats." well there it is..revise it, rewrite it, but I hope most of all you enjoy it... later.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky; Virginia Newfie here. Riddle me this one will ya? If the US pays Iraqi civilians cash in a number of programs to gain support and not get shot at... why don't they pay me not to shoot anybody?! It's not fair I tell ya. I've never shot anybody and do I get any money for it? Noooo. Signed: Homer Soprano Dear Virginia Newfie Homer Soprano; I think the more important questions are: 1. Why do you have two names? and 2. What did you do to the fellah from whom you stole whichever one wasn't yours to begin with?! *** **** *** Dear Jerky: I am a 19 year old who loves to use Kazaa. When I heard about the record companies suing people because they downloaded music, I began to wonder, they've let everyone download free music for years, so why suddenly are they beginning now? I thought first because they had nothing better to do. And that's what I think still. It's music, and they never said we couldn't. Signed, Jeremiah Salinger Dear Jeremiah; The reason why they're cracking down on internet music and movie pirates now is because, up until now, they hadn't started their crackdown yet. And when you think about it, the crackdown had to start sometime, which means that whenever it started, it would be starting NOW, relatively speaking. Capice? *** **** *** For some reason, yesterday's Jerky Knows section was cut short in the mailer version of the Dirt. So here are the letters we ran. As you can see, you didn't miss much! - Jerky Hey Jerky! A couple of things have been bothering me and I was hoping for your wisdom on these things. First: Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? Did Adam and Eve have Belly Buttons? If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind? And finally: If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight? Any help you can give to shine some light on these subjects would really be appreciated!!! Signed: 667, the Neighbor of the Beast Okay 667, here we go: 1. Zebras are actually very dark purple with very light yellow stripes. 2. Adam and Eve did have bellybuttons, but they were on their foreheads. 3. I don't know about the head in the wind thing, because I'm no good at math. 4. And as for whether to believe in love at first sight, or that love is blind, just pick one ludicrous, meaningless cliché and run with it. Love is an illusion, anyway, so what does it matter in the end? *** **** *** Dear Jerky, Why does pot cost so much? Nowadays, even if you can score, it's always some hydro-hybrid-clone-of -all-clones that looks great and has a smell that clings, even before you light up. Unfortunately, it burns faster than free-based mousse. Poof! And are you really stoned? Maybe if you slam a couple two-dollar forties between 10-dollar joints you'll be fucked up enough to forget what... Oh. Never mind. I need a nap. And a frozen Snickers bar. Signed: Abc (P.S. TV sure is good today!) Dear ABC; All I can say is find another dealer, maaan, cuz the stuff I've been getting lately has been wheelchair-chemo-supreemo-perfecto, I can assure you of that.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ACHEIVING REALITY THROUGH ANALYTICAL METAPHYSICS! Care of: Everett E. Allie Hi, Jerky: Rice was right about multi-polar insuring conflict, but, on the other hand, neither she nor or anyone else in Politics, can give voice to the fundamental source of our endless and ubiquitous global conflict. The reason is that every government, including that of the good 'ol USA, is based on fallacies that function to maintain government's arbitrary control over their populations, concepts that are diametrically the opposite of factual Existence. To put a finer point on it, every government on Earth assumes 'Authority', and orients the people to a magic Universe of Creation, where ultimate control is imposed by an ultimate, supernatural 'Authority.' The reciprocal reality, now known and provable (See Analytic MetaPhysics by R. Stewart Hall, the discovery of the fundamental unit volume of Existence, a unit of movement at 'c'), is that all energy and fundamental control is intrinsic to matter, itself. Everything is simply doing what it is. Intelligent life operates on cognizance, conceptualized 'reality'. When that cognizance fails to reflect reality, the individual is misdirected and dysfunctional to the extent of its internalized delusion. Populations are carefully programmed, by instilled belief, (instituted delusion) to maintain the institutions of their culture. Conflict is generated where concepts clash, both in terms of belief - belief and between belief and reality. This is what generates the endless conflict and strife we now experience, globally. We are given no fundamental reality referent, no grounding in factual physical reality. We endlessly crash upon the rocks of other beliefs, never able to reorient ourselves to factual reality, the only system that is completely free of discrepancy, and which would be required for social harmony. Throughout history, humanity has operated on foundation concepts that are the exact opposite of factual reality. The fundamental pathogen is Religion, which functions to suppress the intellect of the individual, suppress curiosity, reduce the individual's natural autonomous behavior, maintain pathological levels of ignorance (belief being mutually exclusive with any reciprocal reality) and generating dependency while orienting the individual to control by 'Authority'. Unless the larger numbers within populations can gain an orientation to factual reality, the species cannot correct its foundation fallacies and will soon go the way of any unchecked parasite. Everett E. Allie Humanity's Ultimate Challenge http://www.speciesup.org [Damn, dude! You are the Buddha of Bullshit! Nice job! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com