TURNING POINTS : 2005 - Part DEUX! In Tuesday's Dirt, we began the process of meticulously mapping out all the seismic socio-politico-cultural shifts that happened in the year 2005. Today, we continue that task. If you think we've missed some big ones and would like to add your observations to the list, please feel free to send them in. - YOPJ *** **** *** THE END OF THE ANCHORMAN ERA Beginning with the legendary Walter Cronkite in the 1950's, America's TV news anchors have provided an authoritative, paternalistic presence that has helped maintain a steady and sober tone among the nation's working and middle classes. Through the turbulent era of Civil Rights and political assassinations, through the wanton slaughter of Vietnam and the twisted machinations of Watergate, through Disco and Perestroika and Monica Lewinsky, their sedative decorum provided the sonorous, hypnotic drone that reassured us that, ultimately, everything would turn out for the best. And then came 2005, the year in which the Big Three's long-reigning troika of anchors were swept out from behind their desks, along with the mythology that sustained them for a collective 67 years. First, scowling mush-mouth Tom Brokaw retired in order to devote more time to writing more feel-good, fellatory odes to the "Greatest Generation" that gave us wonderful things like golf and the military-industrial complex. Next, the always unstable Dan Rather was tricked into telling true lies about the Preznit, thus bringing his long and storied career to an ignominious and premature conclusion. Finally, button-down Canadian expat Peter Jennings shuffled off this mortal coil and into that Great Newsroom in the Sky, where he now drinks maple syrup by the gallon and smokes unfiltered cigarettes to his heart's content. Combine the above culture-shocks with the retirement of Iranian hostage-whore Ted Koppel, the firing of CNN's Liberace-like Aaron Brown, the departure of the McNeil half of the McNeil/Lehrer NewsHour duo, and the release of the Will Ferrell sleeper Anchorman, and it's plain to see that, truly and verilly, 2005 is a gore-spewing stump upon which previously rested a cool head with a calm, fatherly voice. *** **** *** COCAINE MAKES A COMEBACK When "supermodel" Kate Moss was video-phoned hoovering a rail of Peruvian marching powder up her anorexic snoot last year, it represented more than just the loss of the Western World's narcotics virginity. It was an undeniable sign of the fact that cocaine has made a comeback in a very big way, Nancy Reagan's heartfelt imploring be damned. It's sad but true. You can't empty your bladder in most trendy night-spots these days without some hunched-over hipster ducking under the stream of hot urine jetting form your penis in order to snort and lick the powdery razor-scrapes off the top of the toilet tank. And speaking of piss, a recent study of the Po river region of Italy revealed that people there pass the equivalent of four kilos of cocaine through their bladders, each and every day. And why shouldn't they? After all, a crippling addiction to the Devi's Dandruff didn't prevent George Dubya Bush from becoming Preznit of the United States of America! In any case, with cocaine use spiking all over the world, you can expect to see a lot more of this kind of thing in the coming months. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 19 On this day in 2038, every computer using Unix -- which includes every computer in the Pentagon -- will go haywire as the memory required to run the time stamp exceeds the storage capacity of a 32-bit integer dedicated to that function. It's called the Y2K+38 Die-Lemina. Happy Texas Confederate Heroes Day -- or, as yer old pal Jerky likes to call it, Bizarro Junteenth. On this day in 1971, during Charles Manson's murder trial, prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi plays a record in the courtroom. It's Helter Skelter, by the Beatles. The jury are unanimous in their decision that it's got a good beat, and that they can dance to it. They give it a "9", Dick.

THEY SAID IT! "Before this century is over, billions of us will die, and the few breeding pairs of people that survive will be in the Arctic where the climate remains tolerable." - James Lovelock is the scientist who came up with Gaia, the idea that the Earth possessed a planetary-scale control system which kept the environment fit for life. Today, he isn't quite as optimistic... *** **** *** "If we wait for every single scientist who has a thought on the issue of climate change to agree, we will never do anything. If this agency had waited to completely understand the impacts of DDT, the impacts of lead in our gasoline, there would probably still be DDT sprayed and lead in our gasoline." - Former Environmental Protection Agency officials don't have many nice things to say about Preznit Dubya's stewardship of the national treasure.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Mick! A Mexican family was considering putting their Grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!" "And me? I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Mexican!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Gilles for sending in today's second joke. Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!" Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too. Ole got kind of puzzled by this, anthen the doctor said, "Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?" Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Trembly Dale. An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?" The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 4. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BUSH BASHERS ARE CLUELESS! care of: justlbepatient Let's look at George W. Bush: - He was an alcoholic and a cocaine addict until age 40. - He is now a recovering 'dry drunk' fighting his demons on a daily basis. - He bankrupted each of the 3 companies his family set him up with. - He had a 1.62 GPA. - He can barely speak English. - He cowardly avoided Vietnam. - He even went AWOL on his National Guard duty, so much so, he lost his flight status. - By his own admission (on MSNBC 'Headliners & Legends), he was a neglectful father and husband, raising two girls who turned into Paris Hilton-type party whore sluts. - Iraq, Osama, 9/11, Abramoff, Jeff Gannon, paying journalist for fake stories, fake town halls, no WMDs, the massive deficit, the environment, set record for most vacation in Presidential history (in only 5 years), illegal wiretaps, bitterly dividing the country, the list goes on and on and on. AND YET... He has MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of supporters who think he is the most intelligent, most competent and without question the greatest leader in our nation's history. These people have unconditional blind obedience to this man and will never, ever, ever, question ANYTHING he EVER does! You have to admit, that is rather impressive for such a complete loser to amass such devotion from so many. - justlbepatient [Impressive? Yes, I suppose, in a "Nuremberg rally" kind of way. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky old pal - I heard that wash up famous for that wacky interracial hijinks network TV show and 14 grams of coke per day was going to be doing "celebrity ice skating" or some such drivel when I found this website. I didn't know if you had seen it or not, but it's a pretty cool reference for both good and bad guys. I could waste 3 hours a day at work digging through that stuff. YOP6 [I'm confused... - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I felt weird being 36 and purchasing a MAD Magazine, but the 2005 year in review issue is what may be the best political satire in print! Alfred E.Newman up to his nose in water, in New Orleans, in a FEMA hat got me. I didnt realize MAD was so political! When we were kids they just made fun of Fonzie. So go grab a copy before the CIA shuts MAD down for irresponsible debate! On a side note - how much fucking worse is our Orwellian Nightmare going to get before a majority of the country screams "fuck you" at Dubbya? Later! The Dalhi Bobba [MAD Magazine still rocks the comedy main stage. I steal all my best bits from that rag! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Regarding Stalin's ape army, it's in the history books that the Germans conducted experiments in crossbreeding animals with humans. The closest sperm to a human's is the sand dollar's. I suppose that if you want to be an unused ceramic ashtray sucking your protien from seawater maybe it would work. Thanks, Bob [Sounds like something the Japanese would eat. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky my friend, I know you are one of the Americans who subscribe to the "We saved the World from the Nazis/Fascism/Communism/Little Green Men from Space/etc" brigade but your quote from Al Gore has you beat hands down. Fighting both World Wars SIMULTANEOUSLY?????? Even the poor buggers at the sharp end had a 20 year break between the two. Pedantry is not dead. Keith (The British One) [I assumed Gore was referring to the simultaneous wars being fought in the Pacific and European theaters. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; About the album Led Zeppelin 1, you wrote: "Has any other hard rock album ever approached this level of awesomeness since then? I can't think of one." Neither can I. And let's remind the listeners that more than a few of those songs were penned by Willie Dixon, an American black blues genius, in the 1920s. Kerusty [Indeed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerkmeister, There's no need for the Powers That Be (Bushco) to assist in the destruction of Canada. From the looks of the upcoming elections there, a Conservative government is in the offing and it wouldn't take long before they destroy the land, just like some asshole named Brian Mulroney did a few years ago. Stephen Harper? Give me a fucking break. 6 months, tops, and Canadians will be telling themselves why they voted for that fucking jerk. Cheers. Jack [You misunderstood me. I meant that Bushco would be assisting in the destruction/dismantling of Canada precisely by getting Harper elected, using the time-honored methods of intel agency subterfuge and behind-the-scenes skullduggery. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Keep up the good work, you are part of my daily news, clearer and with better background than most of the stuff we get here in Oz. I do read news from around the world on the net on a daily basis. Yours is always one I don't miss. I've managed to get The Dirt all the way even though Yahoo tries to block you. Cheers, Irving [Thanks, Irv! I appreciate your patronage! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; In the 60's I was a gung ho Marine who had a very poor opinion of Martin Luther King. As I have aged and gained a little wisdom (and humanity) I have come to realize that he was right a lot more than he was wrong. I often wish I could have caught on a lot earlier in my life. I might have done a few things differently. Peace Corps, anyone? Dave [Regarding Iraq... WWMLKHD? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com