INTELLIGENT DESIGN AND SIGNS OF THE TIMES Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 8 On this day in the year 1959, the Navy submarine U.S.S. Barbero fires a guided missile carrying 3,000 letters at the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Mayport, Florida. "Before man reaches the moon," one official opined at the time, "mail will be delivered within hours from New York to California, to Britain, to India or Australia, by guided missiles." And so it was, and so it always shall be. I mean, can you imagine a world without guided missile-delivered mail?! On this day in the year 2000, yer old pal Jerky publishes the first Daily Dirt Top Ten list! Here it is! TOP TEN OTHER WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER! "Our list goes to eleven!" 11. Tie her up and throw her in the lake, Jake. 10. Drive a steak through her heart, Bart. 9. Push her onto the subway tracks, Max. 8. Cut the breaks on her bike, Mike. 7. Throw her off a cliff, Biff. 6. Run her over with a tank, Frank. 5. Lock her in the basement and let her starve, Marv. 4. Choke her with your nob, Bob. 3. Feed her some tainted pork, Mork. 2. Push her down the steps, Shep. 1. Disembowel her with a spatula, Dracula.

THEY SAID IT! "Any president who goes through a time of war feels very deeply the responsibility for sending men and women into harm's way, he feels very deeply the pain that the families feel, and this president is no different. One of the things the president has said is that these people will not die in vain." - One measure of the depth of Preznit Dubya's pain on the announcement of the twenty-five-hundredth American soldier killed in Iraq is the fact that he sent White House spokesman Tony Snow out to express it for him. *** **** *** "We want this for terrorism." - Attorney General Alberto "Abu" Gonzales inadvertently tells the truth about why his boss wants unrestricted access to all our web logs, at all times, without warrants, and without questions asked: They want to terrorize us.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by N8Possibilities! Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sittin' in a boat at Fort Peck Montana fishing and suckin' down beer when suddenly Karnes says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke. Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Wally... A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME." SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN.OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO. THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE." THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE,TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND. NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOCK care of: Aram Mr LeBoeuf, I went to Bangkok once in 1981. In a word, it's very noisy there. They have these three wheeled taxis which are sorta a Vespa with an attached two-abreast seat in the rear. They're called Duk Duks, because that's the sound they make. My hotel was near a corner. While the light was red, the DukDuks would wait for the green and gun their engines. When the light turned green, it was like the Oklahoma land rush. Great clouds of smoke from the two-cycle engines would fill the air. Since I was alone and unimportant, they gave me a room in the rear of the hotel. I had no view, but I was somewhat protected from the noise. I could only stay outside for about an hour, before I had to return to my room to decompress. One time I stood on the sidewalk and shouted. I couldn't hear my own voice. I met a guy on the sidewalk. He spoke English and said he would show me around while he practiced his English. We got on a little boat and went across the river to an island which had a Buddhist temple. He bought me a Coke, and eventually we started to come back. In the middle of the river the boat stopped and cash was demanded. I told them that 20$ seemed fair for the tour, but if they wanted more than that we'd have to fight. They took the twenty and deposited me ashore. I didn't know where I was. I asked a bus driver how to get back to my hotel. I got back after a while. I coulda taken a Duk Duk, but I'm cheap. Btw, the busfare was about as close to zero as you can get - 43 Bahts to the dollar - the fare was no more than one Baht - maybe less. Bangkok is NOT a place of Eastern peace and tranquility. It's a very noisy, crowded, smoke filled city with little to recommend it. - Aram [Also, with nine million people in the world's hottest large city, it's gotta get stinky. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; After reading MattDragon's insightful dissertation on the 2004 election, and the supporting link provided, I felt that something was missing. I fixed myself a single malt scotch, lit up one of many cigarettes, and put on Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. It made the reading slightly more palatable, if only to dull the pain of helpless reality. We're screwed, J-Man. You, me, and everyone else who is supposed to comprise the electorate in this country are nothing but an inconvenient obstacle to be gotten over by a machine that could care less whether we as individuals live or die. As much as I'd like to make this a Republican bashing ceremony, the Democrats are no different. Republican and Democrat politicians have far more in common with each other than they have with the people who elect them. They have election on their minds, while we have survival on ours. If you or I goes down the shitter; hey, them's the breaks. Republicans will tell us that we didn't do enough for ourselves, and Democrats will tell us that we didn't do enough for each other. To get back to MattDragon's post, the ominous thing is that there is not the will nor the intelligence in this country anymore to address these issues, even in the face of massive fraud. We're dirt dumb, Jerky, and we like it that way. It takes a lot of burden away from us. Things don't work out? Damn government. Your kid's off to fight ill defined wars in places that neither you nor they could point out on a map? Hey, who knew. What are we gonna do about it? Shut up, American Idol is on. We just don't give a shit, and we get what we deserve. - John Molloy *** **** *** Dear Jerky, From time immemorial to the present day, the principal problem that confronted all civilizations, was how to prevent the incompetent, the unqualified, sociopaths, psychopaths, etc. from grasping the reins of power, to the detriment of the larger society. I wonder if the framers of the U.S. Constitution were aware of this problem, but were unable to establish certain minimum standards to bar such types from attaining the highest public offices in the nation? SINcerely, Sjohn [Seems like they missed it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I hadn't heard from you for quite awhile. Love your new website. Would I hurt yer tender feelin's if I say it's glamorous? This Old Tree [Not at all. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey! I registered AnnCoulterisaCunt.net... What NOW OPJ? Wally [You're asking ME?! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Nice work as of late! Hey, I got an email from an old Army buddy of mine (RickO), and he commented at the end of the note that: "Humans seem to have stopped evolving." I am not only convinced this is true, but I could add that as a species we are actually DEvolving (is that right?) This guy is an old friend and a very perceptive and talented person. I was reminded of the movie "Jeckyl and Hyde, Together Again" where the main character is passing thru customs in London and is asked by a clerk if he had anything to declare. As he passed through, he cast his crazed eyes skyward and crowed: "MANKIND HAS NOT EVOLVED AN INCH FROM THE SLIME THAT SPAWNED HIM!!!" as he strutted through the gate. Freakin' hilarious, but so true! Anyway, if you are into ecletic music check out RickO's website at www.poog.org The music these guys produce is based on drones, and they utilize found objects, traditional and exotic instruments and most of it is totally improvised. Very very cool stuff!! He is also the keybord player for (what I believe to be the only Gail Zappa authorized) Zappa tribute band, and are called Bogus Pomp. They are gaining in popularity and sometimes perform with a full orchestra, as well as some of the original members! The guitar player, Jerry Outlaw, is totally AMAZING!! Brings the chills! Tons of pics and MP3 stuff there, as well as concert schedules. Check it out! Cheers, Brettski [That's a heavy note. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com