DEMOCRACY - R.I.P. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY In the Star Trek fictional universe, there exists a Starfleet Academy "no-win" training exercise known as the Kobayashi Maru. Without going too deep into the geeky details, the primary purpose of this test is to determine how would-be officers face the prospect of certain defeat and inevitable death. While a cadet, James T. Kirk became infamous for being the only person in Starfleet history to defeat the Kobayashi Maru test, which he did on his third try, after secretly reprogramming the simulator so that it was possible to win. In other words... Kirk cheated. Just flat out cheated! He then justified his cheating by arguing that putting cadets in no-win situations was, itself, a form of cheating, and so he had to cheat in return. Personally, yer old pal Jerky doesn't buy Kirk's rationalization, but that didn't stop Starfleet from commending him on his "original thinking"... also known as cheating. I bring this up today because it is now clear that we have reached a point in America's history where the conservative movement, via the Republican Party, treats democracy as its own Kobyashi Maru test, and considers itself perfectly justified in using any means necessary to make sure mere elections don't get in the way of their Brave New World Order unfolding exactly as they've planned. After all, if you sincerely believe yourself to be an Instrument of God's Will on Earth -- or if you are a) a Straussian, and thus philosophically opposed to democracy, or b) a Rovian, and thus an amoral sack of shit -- the alternatives to stealing those elections were simply too awful to contemplate. Just imagine! If it hadn't been for the Bush Crime Family's massive, race-based voter disenfranchisement campaign in Florida during the 2000 presidential elections -- capped off with a treasonous, partisan decision by the Supreme Court -- that self-aggrandizing tree-hugger Al Gore would have taken the White House. And we all know -- because conservatives are so fond of repeating it -- that if Al Gore had been President on September 11th, 2001, he... um... probably would have surrendered to Afghanistan or something. Again, in 2002, just imagine! If it hadn't been for the literally-last-minute dismantling of the non-partisan VNS polling service, which in turn allowed for the widespread, coast-to-coast "surprise" e-vote turnovers for a number of key Senate and House seats -- not to mention the "surprise" death-by-small-plane-crash of Senator Paul Wellstone under circumstances remarkably similar to the "surprise" death-by-small-plane-crash of Senator Mel Carnahan two years previous -- then the Democrats might have retained their Senate majority, which in turn might have led to investigations of the Bush Crime Family's ties to Enron, Big Dick Cheney's secret Energy Taskforce California Blackout meetings, the Democrats-only anthrax attacks, the stand-down orders on 9/11, and countless other as yet unsolved mysteries. So, essentially, the Republicans didn't have any choice but to cheat! If anything, the stakes in 2004 were even higher -- just imagine the joy of the terrorists if that cowardly traitor "Hanoi John" Kerry had toppled Preznit Dubya! -- and the lengths the Republicans went to ensure victory for themselves, even longer. If there is even a tiny spark of doubt in your mind that this is, in fact, the truth, then read Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s comprehensive and damning report for Rolling Stone magazine. Then, just to be thorough, read Mark Crispin Miller's robust and comprehensive defense of RFK Jr.'s piece against attacks from the pathetic likes of Salon and other "left gate keepers" of dubious intent. And so, in conclusion, I'd just like to say that if any of you think the 2006 mid-terms and/or the 2008 presidential elections are going to be any less fucked-up… unless something seriously drastic happens, and seriously soon, you've got another thing coming. And by "thing", I mean another stolen election. *** **** *** Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 14 On this day in 1642, America's first ever compulsory education law is passed in Massachusetts, effectively forcing kids to attend school for a mandated minimum amount of instruction in reading, writing and arithmetic. Now, with hindsight, we can see that the passing of this law was nothing less than the rhetorical fat kid arriving at the metaphorical top of the alegorical slippery slope of the socialistic/communistic nany state, which has led us inexorably to our current society-wide crisis. And who but those Godforsaken liberals -- or maybe a Kennedy (spit) -- can deny that we are being overrun by atheistic gun-toting homosexual grade-school terrorists on crack!? Also on this day, in the year 1986, acclaimed Argentinian fantasist Jorge Luis Borges shuffles off into the labyrinth in search of stories that will forever remain untold. On this day in 1777, America's Continental Congress chooses the Stars n' Stripes to replace the Grand Union flag. It's a good thing they didn't go with their first choice for a replacement: a cartoonish portrait of King George III sucking Ben Franklin's cock, with the words "Mmmm... Daddy LIKES!" scrawled across the bottom. I mean, it makes a point, but it probably wouldn't have stood the test of time. On this day in the year 1956 -- in the wake of a new American religiosity which sprouted, fungus-like, in the shadow of the mushroom cloud -- President Eisenhower signs a congressional resolution adding the words "under God" to our heretofore secular Pledge of Allegiance. Previously, the last phrase read: "...one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Yer old pal Jerky much prefers the original, non-superstitious version.

THEY SAID IT! "It defies belief that this administration is still clinging to its benighted policies on prisoners after the horrors of Abu Ghraib, the killings at American camps in Afghanistan and the world's fresh outrage over what appears to have been the massacre of Iraqi men, women and children in the village of Haditha." - Yer old pal Jerky hates to disagree with the New York Times editorial board, but... not if you've been paying attention, it doesn't. *** **** *** "If I continued to headbang on stage, I could have had a brain hemorrhage and dropped dead on the spot." - Korn had to cancel the rest of the international leg of their tour this week because lead singer Jonathan Davis was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder that really could have caused head-banging to kill him. That's fucked up!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate escapes. The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up the institution's laundry to dry. He takes her, satisfies his urges and dashes on to freedom. The local newspaper ran the following headline: "NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Julius for sending in today's second joke. A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fucked?" The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No!" She said "You will be when the tide comes in." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Javaid... A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE NATURE OF RESPECT care of: Sunny Jerky, I've been reading your words of wisdom for the past four or five years and enjoy your irreverent point of view. I write now because of something in our local paper that reminded me of my youth in a small midwestern town, the obituary of the man who held the office of chief of police. It brought back memories of nights when my friends and I used to sit in the town square and shoot the bull on weekend evenings. The chief would often join us for a bit before reminding us of curfew and sending us on our way. One evening the conversation turned to the subject of recent members of our local police force. In the previous two years a number of new officers had been let go in succession due to indiscretions ranging from crashing the squad car during an unauthorized high speed chase ,to pulling a sidearm on a fourteen year old attempting to outrun the officer on a dirt bike. The chief lamented the fact that due to monetary constraints they often had to hire recruits straight out of school. The problem with these guys was their belief that because they wore the uniform they should be accorded the respect that went with it. He said what they failed to understand was that if people could not first respect the man they would lose respect for the uniform and eventually any man who wore it. As I remembered his comments I was struck by how appropriate they were for our current Idiot In Chief. He and his supporters think that all their actions are excused by their positions. The hardcore Republicans say that failure to support him is unpatriotic, no matter his actions. They forget that if our ancestors had subscribed to this idea we would be singing God Save The Queen at Friday night soccer games. Here's to hoping people continue the trend of realizing the wisdom in this gentleman's point of view as we slowly wake from the nightmare that is Bush. YOP Sunny [Indeed. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! R u stressed out? Wanna slap someone??? Here you go, slap this! Slap em till they make sense. David [Thanks. I wore out three mice on that shit. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo Jerky, I am a long time reader of the Dirt and a long time admirer of the work you do. Here at the arse end of the world my main link to the world and it's happenings have ben enhanced by the links provided by the Dirt. I've found that the links and the commentary you provide on various events from around the world show that there is more happening than what we see in the nightly news here in NZ. Just throwing in my 10 cents worth (inflation adjusted) Paleotheology is an interesting idea. Although the study of religion is really a waste of time anyway, the study of how the theories of various religions developed would keep scholars busy for years. I am completely and utterly against anything that tries to do your thinking for you. My favorite quote on religion comes from Ambrose Bierce and I quote: "Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. I've annoyed quite a few people with that quote. Also caused a few people to stop and think for a minute as well. Keep up the great work dude, Wolfbane [There's a reason why Bierce called his book The Devil's Dictionary... and disappeared without a trace. - Jerky] *** **** *** Well, whaddaya know? Here's a fucking surprise! G.S. [Man, am I glad I never jumped aboard that blogwagon. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, this Reasonable Conservative blog is a good read. David [I almost didn't even bother to check it out, until I noticed the blog-author's name. Then I got it... I got it, and it's good. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I missed this. For all of those folks out there with kids, grandkids, or who are mothers and fathers, pay very close attention to this. YOP, Bob [Feeling a draft, are ya? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I accidentally watched the Bush speach last week and did I not detect him fishing for a compliment on his handling of Iraq? He said something like, "sometimes people need to hear they are doing a good job..." it was in reference to the new "PM" of Iraq but sounded like he was hinting that he wants the same from the 'merican populace. motus [He's feeling misunderappreciated, the poor thing. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Did you ask "What the fuck is a Foo?" Well I'll tell you. A Foo is a rare bird that lives on a remote tropical island in the South Pacific. There is an old legend surrounding the great Foo Bird: The bird will soar high overhead and defecate on an unsupecting victim's head. If the victim ever attempt's to wipe off the Foo's poo, he or she will die immediately. Once a great ornithologist visited this remote island to learn of the legend. Sure enough, high overhead, he heard the strange call of the Foo. Sure enough, a moment later he felt a great "Splat!" as the Foo let fly a huge load of Foo poo, connecting perfectly with the top of the man's head. The ornithologist wasn't superstitious though, so he took out his handkerchief and wiped it away. After just a few seconds, he had a massive heart attack and died! The moral of the story? If the Foo shits, wear it. Yer Old Pal, Beau [Ouch. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com